Woopsies

So I am failing at blogging.

I know I am. I am busy, busy even for me. So busy in fact I think I have lost it.
I promise little blog, I will come back to you soon. Very soon. Maybe this weekend, between writing about research, Colonists and their theologies, Saints and the reformation, and ... ... oh yeah churches in Milwaukee.

Funny how you find a niche in something with out even trying. Thankfully it's not those Quakers anymore.

I love the fact that I am getting paid to do something I love. Don't tell anyone but I would sit in archives and organize a spreadsheet for free. There is something in the restorative power of research. (Yes, that is the dorkiest thing I have said this week) It's a form of therapy for me to sit and dig and research. I am so lucky to have an opportunity like this.

I'm off to New York!
Back home for the weekend! I've scheduled a visit to the New York Public Library archives and, for my own personal enjoyment, I'm going to hunt down the Chester A. Arthur house and visit some churches. I can't wait!

What I did over summer vacation.

That was me yesterday. You can ask anyone who saw me. I am so excited to go back to school. Mostly because this summer was a disaster.

What did I do over my summer vacation?

Nothing.

At least I perceive it as nothing. I feel like I didn't get anything productive done. I wanted to write, I wanted to read a dozen books, I wanted to do everything. I took the summer semester off to relax and live a little. I lived a lot. I went to the beach, I had parties, I read books that had nothing to do with school. I did not however relax.

I learned something this summer, I need structure. I need deadlines. I need to be graded. I feel like Lisa Simpson. When I finally realized that the funk I had been in most of the summer was due to lack of homework, I started counting down to the first day of school. It's day two and I have a list of things to get done already. I am excited and oddly relaxed. What am I going to do when I graduate?



The summer wasn't a total wash. I signed up for a second major, Religious Studies. While I didn't write a lot, I certainly read plenty. I prepped for this semester, so hopefully it won't be so hectic. I managed to secure a research position on an amazing project. I think that's it, still not to shabby for being on "vacation."

Lesson learned, I will never take the summer off again.

My laptop es morte!!

Last November I was in a car crash, we were coming home from a Mexican restaurant when I was t boned by a cab. Fortunately everyone was ok. The biggest loss in the accident was my left over burrito that had been sitting on top of the dashboard. When the airbags went off, the burrito hit the dash and exploded. My response- "nooooooo!!! El burrito es morte!"
Because of this, when something stops working in the house, the response is _____ es morte!!!

A few days ago I came home from work and fired up my laptop to send over my finally revised undergrad research application. As I was backing it up to my Dropbox my laptop froze. I restarted and it wouldn't fire back up. Oh no!! I tried for an hour before I packed up and ran to the Apple store to find out if it could be fixed. Sadly, my hard drive died. I had accidentally dropped it the day before and killed it. Es morte! Not only is there a whole ton of research for my thesis in there, but also all of my pictures and a ton of other files that I might not need right away but I will soon. The worst part is the cost. It's going to cost me a ton to get the hard drive restored much less a new computer. Ugh! Thankfully I have the iPad to get me by for awhile. It's a great band aid for the problem but I can't print or download files to a flash drive, I can't upload pictures, and there's no flash player. It's an amazing little piece of technology but it's just not a computer.

Lesson learned. Back up everything to the cloud! Everything! As a matter of fact I am going to reconfigure my iPad now to auto save to iCloud. Right now!!

I haven't done a lot of writing, but I have done a lot of reading. 

Whenever I meet with the Professor that is working with me on my Senior Thesis, I leave both terrified and confident. He assures me I will be a better writer, yet I have no clue how I am ever going to do this.

The Second Day of July 1776 will be the most memorable Epocha, in the History of America. . . . It ought to be solemnized with Pomp and Parade, with Shews, Games, Sports, Guns, Bells, Bonfires, and Illuminations from one End of this Continent to the other from this Time forward forever more."

--John Adams to Abigail Adams, July 3, 1776

  If you see a crazy girl waving a flag having a parade up and down your block by herself, shooting a gun, ringing a bell...

Just assume it's me.

The not so glorious summer kick off.

What is that about the best laid plans of mice and men? I should be a case study for that phrase. I had laid out a plan of action for my summer reading. I would breeze through book after book effortlessly. Relaxing day by day in the hammock, chapter by chapter, burning through post it flags underlining like a machine!
Until Monday I had read 4 chapters of one book.
I had lost my momentum. I'm back on track now. I've been reading most of the day. I stopped to eat lunch and hang out with the fat dog for a bit. I am outside at the new work friendly table, instead of the lazy hammock and that seems to have changed my perspective. This change of "venue" made me think.
How do you get in the state of mind to write? Maybe my most of my hurdles are self inflicted. I've already realized my fear is of my own creation. Seems like my sloth is as well. I've always been the kind of person who reads and studies in bed but perhaps I need to adjust that mentality for the looseness of summer. The lack of structure is obviously a problem.
First step to fixing a problem is identifying it. So, I should probably stop blogging and start reading. Where did those Puritans run off to...

There is nothing to fear except falling out of the hammock and the neighbors laughing at me.

I promised I would get back in to school brain after the 4th and I am. I was up on campus yesterday cleaning out files for Phi Alpha Theta and making the official switch to president. I took care of paper work for my senior thesis, or I started to. I made inquires about adding a religious studies minor to my degree, and started reading my summer reading books.

I sat down today to write up my senior thesis proposal. I tried. I've got two words on the screen.  All of a sudden I realized what holds me back. It isn't laziness or procrastination. It isn't stupidity or lack of knowledge on a subject. It isn't work ethic. It isn't writers block. It's fear. Pure fear.

I hold myself to a higher standard than I think other students do. It's not bad, but it means that I am my hardest critic. I take constructive criticism seriously and seek to utilize it. I want to grow and improve.

At times I think I am held to a higher standard by my professors as well. I probably wouldn't be as paranoid about this had I not been friends with one of my t.a.'s who basically told me that because I am in the honor society he expected a higher level of work from me and because of that may have graded me a little harder than other students.

The knowledge that not only do I expect more, but so do others scares me. Mistakes scare me. Admitting that I am not perfect is easy, being corrected on a mistake is not.
How do I fix this? I need a full time editor on staff. 
Maybe I just need to get over myself and once again, get out of my own head. Shut off the chatter and just do it.

Two days later-

So, something clicked in my brain. I don't know what it was or how. I have some suspicions, but I don't know how much I can or should post here since there is some cross over between my personal life. The basic realization is that my confidence has been shaken. I was seeing someone who I admired professionally. While we were together, he did a great job of bolstering my confidence, and when the personal relationship fell apart I think it took some of my professional confidence with it. If this is all the stumbling block is, then I can get over it. I am sure it's not all of it, but it certainly has been holding me up the past few months. I am not lazy or a procrastinator. I am afraid. This has been translating itself as me putting off work and then rushing to crank out substandard work, that isn't a good reflection of my work and no one is happy grading and I am unhappy turning in.

I can get over this!

Good news. All my panic about writing my thesis proposal was for naught. I realized its essentially the work that I had been doing in my research methods class all semester. I just have to put it together and hand it in. Imagine a research project is the same thing as thesis proposal. If I haven't said it yet, I'll say it now, I am so fortunate to have taken that class, with that professor, this semester. I couldn't imagine a better situation and I will take the skills I leaned and use them for the rest of my life.

All that being said, I've got reading to do and a very hot pug to hose down. Poor little guy.

Today I learned that for every question I answer, I will have 20 more.
I decided to organize my piles of research before I start my official summer reading list. What happened was a cycle of reading something I jotted down and then digging up 10 other things and making 10 other notes on things to look up to go with those 10 things. I have to get a better system. This is a big problem for me. When do I stop answering the question? It's history, I am the way back machine. How far in the way back machine do I have to go to give the best answer?

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth...



Wait, Am I supposed to cite that? I am going back to brain off mode for the day, where's the remote?

I have set a date of June 4th to resume all blogging and school activities. I needed a break, this semester kicked my behind. Until then I'll be in the hammock watching Jersey Shore on my porch. Leave a message.

Proof that I am still alive.

I promise  you, I am alive. This semester has not killed me... yet. With 2 days left it might. For now I'll leave you with this:


This is why I will never be an adult.


When my friend sent it to me, my response was "Hey look, my life story! "

OAH recap- finally.

I made a Venn diagram last summer that was pretty accurate.

 

If I tried to do one right now, it probably wouldn't even get done. I would put it on the bottom of my list of things I wanted to do but never did. I made a small dent in my to do list today by making an epic journey to Home Depot to get paint for the new apartment. Now that I've got the momentum "going" I might as well try and recap OAH. (finally)

As someone who wants to be an Archivist and considers that an aspect of public history, I might be biased, but OAH was AWESOME!!!

I’ll admit it. I skipped class on Thursday. I weighed the options and realized that going to a panel on teaching effecting historical writing was a better advancement in my education than a lecture on the black death, and I would be happier at a panel on the history of the conservative movement than I would be in my Islamic history class (sorry to either professor if they should stumble on to this) I don’t regret the decision at all.

The first panel on Thursday was geared toward teaching effective writing methods in grade k-12. While I have no intention of ever teaching, every time I go to a workshop like this I learn something useful for myself. In this case it was a better way to examine primary sources. Then it was a better way to explain how to examine a primary source. I have been trying to think of common issues to talk about when I the writing workshop at Writecamp, and I would have been at a loss of how to explain this concept before this panel. I am glad I went.
The second was on the history of the conservative movement. I admit part of the reason I chose this one is because the professor who is working with me on my senior thesis was chairing. Again, I am glad I went. Without dragging my personal politics in to this, I was captivated. To hear other people talk about “anti-feminism” always fascinates me, especially when it is a man.
The final panel for the day, was hands down the highlight of my weekend. Religion and Politics from Early Republic to the Civil War. You might as well have just put a sign on the door that said “Danielle Come Here!”  I have 5 pages of notes and ideas that I took away from the 3 papers. It’s refreshing to me to hear other people speak on topics that I am passionate about. I enjoy labor history and urban history and civil rights, but it seems so rare that I get to talk theology, colonial times and all that jazz with other people. I could write an entire entry on this panel alone.


Friday was dubbed Public History day. Every panel I saw had something to do with Public history. Again, I left with pages of notes and ideas to take back to UWM. One of the things I learned from Friday is how to discern what I am looking for in a graduate program. Hearing what projects are going on within other schools at both the grad and undergrad level, has given me a grocery list of criteria for the program I want to be in.
Friday night along with one of the UWM Public History Grad students, I attended the Public History reception. It is a another perk of getting to attend conferences as an undergrad. I get to shake hands and exchange business cards with people that I wouldn’t normally come in to contact with until I am interviewing for a job. I also had a chance to sit down with my favorite person, and talk about grad school options. It’s given me a lot to think about and someday, maybe I’ll blog about it.

By the time Saturday had rolled around I was half asleep on my feet. I did get to see an amazing panel on Labor History for the Public. I have never wanted to get in to a car and drive to Calumet MI before, but I do now. I also want to go see historic houses of New England and on the way see Black River Valley Mills. Captivation is an understatement!

Saturday night I sat through the Backstory Guys Pod cast. Any group that starts off by going through Ben Franklins terms for being drunk win me over!!

One of the biggest things that I took away from the weekend, is the power of digital networking. At least that is what I am going to call it. I started tweeting, re-tweeting and following over the course of the weekend. Via twitter, I was able to meet new people and find other opinions on panels. I know the power of social networking as a professional tool, but this was the first time I had seen it in full action. I am officially sold as a tweeter.

I guess that’s the short recap of the weekend. There were so many other little amazing things.

Did I mention I yelled at Peter Hoffer for writing my book?

That’s a story for another day. Right now I am going to go do some homework.

Almost done, 2 more weeks, then I will spend summer writing from the porch of my new apartment in a hammock, drinking sun tea and getting tan.

Procrastionation, the key to sucess. Or something like that.

I should be writing. I suppose technically this is writing but I should be writing for real, you know, on something I will be graded on. Somehow I forgot to do 3 comment papers that count towards my participation grade in one of my classes. Just forgot. That's not really like me.
I have a paper to do for my research class, I have another one of those comment papers due tomorrow, I have a feeling there will be a pop quiz in my medieval history discussion group at 9 am tomorrow PLUS the extra curricular things I get myself into. I have to decide what I am going to write that abstract on, and then write it. I have a handful of Phi Alpha Theta things to wrap up before the end of the semester and then there is the writing workshop thing I am supposed to be working on.
AHHH!!!
Did I mention I am moving in the middle of all this? Oh, and my 5 year old told her teacher she isn't even going to tell me about the mother's day thing at school because "My mommy is too busy, she won't come she has school work to do. She'll probably be writing a paper." Mother of the year! I won't even get in to my attempts at dating and a social life because it's pretty much a joke at this point.

I want to recap OAH. Once again I had amazing experience. I just don't have the time. It's this time thing that makes me wonder how people are writers, professors and whatever else at the same time.

 The positive side of this is, this is where I shine. I am best under pressure and deadlines. When there is nothing to do I panic because I think I am forgetting something. I will knock out the last few weeks of the semester and take a few days to relax and then snap back in to go mode. Right now, however, I am just getting by day dreaming of a time when I can read for pleasure and possibly sleep more than 5 hours a night. 

Immanuel Presbyterian at 175 years.


This is my church. Yep, my beautiful wonderful church (the one I don't have time to go to.) There is so much history there, and that is only a tiny part of why I love it.

I keep telling myself
"You are on the right track if other people are writing the books you want to write"

It's not helping. I want to have a pity party and hide under the covers.

2 days of OAH down and 2 to go. I am exhausted but I've taken away so much more than I even hoped.

So far this I've been to panels on:
Ways to teach history.
The history of conservatism (and I now know I hate the term anti feminist and want something more appropriate)
Religion and Politics in the late 18th/early 19th century- no really, it was in the book, I am not making it up!!
Public History and Community Engagement- I have 5 pages of notes from this one, obviously I took a lot away from it. As I said at the reception later that night "I feel armed with the tools I need to get more from the University than they want to give me in terms of fellowship money for undergrads" 
Desegregation and  conservatism, I didn't pick this, I went to this instead of a public history round table because small group discussions aren't my thing some days. I thought I would hate it but it was actually really good.

Just like AHA, every time I turn around there is someone else impressive behind me. The first day I turned around in a book booth and there is Peter Hoffer lecturing the sales rep about book prices, when I went over to another booth only to find out his newest book is essentially what I wanted to write my senior thesis on, he told me I should go on amazon and buy it cheaper- then argued with the rep.

I'm still upset about the fact that every idea I've had for the research I want to do seemed to have just come out in book form in the past 2 days. I keep telling myself that It isn't a bad thing. It means that I am on the right track, my ideas are good, I am thinking like people who are getting published. Except they are getting published and I am plodding along trying to get through this undergrad degree with out going crazy. I'll get there, someday.

As for right now, I am going to go try and go back to sleep for an hour, I've got a day full of panels. As tired as I am, I am so grateful that I get to do this.

I want to do this

CONFERENCE ON FAITH AND HISTORY

I REALLY want to do it. I am terrified. It would be a great opportunity for me and they are open to undergraduates. I'd have to come up with an abstract in less than two weeks. I am terrified to try, I'll kick myself if I don't.
I'm going to sleep on it and kick around some ideas and see what shakes out.

Advice is gladly accepted.