The not so glorious summer kick off.

What is that about the best laid plans of mice and men? I should be a case study for that phrase. I had laid out a plan of action for my summer reading. I would breeze through book after book effortlessly. Relaxing day by day in the hammock, chapter by chapter, burning through post it flags underlining like a machine!
Until Monday I had read 4 chapters of one book.
I had lost my momentum. I'm back on track now. I've been reading most of the day. I stopped to eat lunch and hang out with the fat dog for a bit. I am outside at the new work friendly table, instead of the lazy hammock and that seems to have changed my perspective. This change of "venue" made me think.
How do you get in the state of mind to write? Maybe my most of my hurdles are self inflicted. I've already realized my fear is of my own creation. Seems like my sloth is as well. I've always been the kind of person who reads and studies in bed but perhaps I need to adjust that mentality for the looseness of summer. The lack of structure is obviously a problem.
First step to fixing a problem is identifying it. So, I should probably stop blogging and start reading. Where did those Puritans run off to...

There is nothing to fear except falling out of the hammock and the neighbors laughing at me.

I promised I would get back in to school brain after the 4th and I am. I was up on campus yesterday cleaning out files for Phi Alpha Theta and making the official switch to president. I took care of paper work for my senior thesis, or I started to. I made inquires about adding a religious studies minor to my degree, and started reading my summer reading books.

I sat down today to write up my senior thesis proposal. I tried. I've got two words on the screen.  All of a sudden I realized what holds me back. It isn't laziness or procrastination. It isn't stupidity or lack of knowledge on a subject. It isn't work ethic. It isn't writers block. It's fear. Pure fear.

I hold myself to a higher standard than I think other students do. It's not bad, but it means that I am my hardest critic. I take constructive criticism seriously and seek to utilize it. I want to grow and improve.

At times I think I am held to a higher standard by my professors as well. I probably wouldn't be as paranoid about this had I not been friends with one of my t.a.'s who basically told me that because I am in the honor society he expected a higher level of work from me and because of that may have graded me a little harder than other students.

The knowledge that not only do I expect more, but so do others scares me. Mistakes scare me. Admitting that I am not perfect is easy, being corrected on a mistake is not.
How do I fix this? I need a full time editor on staff. 
Maybe I just need to get over myself and once again, get out of my own head. Shut off the chatter and just do it.

Two days later-

So, something clicked in my brain. I don't know what it was or how. I have some suspicions, but I don't know how much I can or should post here since there is some cross over between my personal life. The basic realization is that my confidence has been shaken. I was seeing someone who I admired professionally. While we were together, he did a great job of bolstering my confidence, and when the personal relationship fell apart I think it took some of my professional confidence with it. If this is all the stumbling block is, then I can get over it. I am sure it's not all of it, but it certainly has been holding me up the past few months. I am not lazy or a procrastinator. I am afraid. This has been translating itself as me putting off work and then rushing to crank out substandard work, that isn't a good reflection of my work and no one is happy grading and I am unhappy turning in.

I can get over this!

Good news. All my panic about writing my thesis proposal was for naught. I realized its essentially the work that I had been doing in my research methods class all semester. I just have to put it together and hand it in. Imagine a research project is the same thing as thesis proposal. If I haven't said it yet, I'll say it now, I am so fortunate to have taken that class, with that professor, this semester. I couldn't imagine a better situation and I will take the skills I leaned and use them for the rest of my life.

All that being said, I've got reading to do and a very hot pug to hose down. Poor little guy.

Today I learned that for every question I answer, I will have 20 more.
I decided to organize my piles of research before I start my official summer reading list. What happened was a cycle of reading something I jotted down and then digging up 10 other things and making 10 other notes on things to look up to go with those 10 things. I have to get a better system. This is a big problem for me. When do I stop answering the question? It's history, I am the way back machine. How far in the way back machine do I have to go to give the best answer?

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth...



Wait, Am I supposed to cite that? I am going back to brain off mode for the day, where's the remote?